... the first time ... ever I saw your face ...

Reflect is my "word" of the month ... and I have kept that word at the forefront of my mind ... taking time here and there to do just that ... reflect.

However... with reflection comes not just the good times and good memories ... but inevitably it brings the bad ones too.

There are some "things" in reflecting I don't even want to think about, much less talk about ... so ... I'm forcing myself to "move on" to better thoughts and memories when that happens ... I guess that's why it's the 6th of March and this is my first post on "reflection".

What better to reflect on than my baby girl ...

I got to thinking about something this week and that was ...

the first time I ever laid eyes on LeAnna ...

It's a feeling ... don't want to call it weird, but in a way it was an overwhelming weird feeling for me ...

I had thought about what my child would look like all my life ...

With every miscarriage I always wondered (and still do from time to time) what that child would have looked like ... if it would have been a boy or a girl ... what we would have named it ... and so on ...

But that feeling ... oh man ... indescribable for me ... I had waited SO long to just see a baby! I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl ... just baby!

She had a very rough start ... and since she decided to come early ... her lungs were not developed and she was whisked away right after she was born ...

I do remember them wrapping her in a blanket with barely enough face showing and swooshing her by my head to say Hi Mommy and then leaving so fast with her that I honestly do not even remember the moment ... I have tried really hard to remember what she looked like at that moment, but with the drugs (which they pushed heavily into me once she was out) I just can't remember.

The first time I got to see her was Friday afternoon when I was able to get out of bed and go to the NICU where she was (she was born on Thursday) ... I remember being rolled into the room and seeing her laying there with so many wires you can't imagine ... she was intubated and not even breathing on her own ...

tears flowed ... and emotions ran extremely high ... but through all that I remember the feeling of seeing her for the first time ...

It's a crazy moment when I'm not sure what words could begin to explain it ... I didn't know what to expect ... the shape of her face, the color of her hair, whose nose, whose eyes, whose fingers and toes (yes, I look at those things on everyone, not just my baby's - ha! ... even to the point of seeing if that person has their mother's or father's finger shapes and nails! ... I know ... I'm weird)

anyhoo ... through all the wires and tubes, I saw her tiny face and immediate love at first sight happened! The feeling though ... of FINALLY getting to see what she looked like was one of the most overwhelming feelings.

At times I think back to that moment and that feeling creeps back over me ... that feeling of WOWness and AWEness ... I know ... not words ... however ... there are no words to describe this ...

And at times, I still wonder what each baby that made its way to a better place would have looked like, would have been a boy or a girl, etc. ... (because I am of the opinion that once that embryo is developed and tells your body that it is pregnant, then it's a living soul) strictly my opinion.

Anyhoo ... enough deep stuff ...

the other day ... LeAnna said ... "Mom ... if all my brothers and sisters would have lived ... we would be Tam and Nate Plus 8!" (yep she knows all about it and asks many questions)

Oh my ... THAT, I do NOT want to think about ... ha! Not that I wouldn't love all EIGHT ... I would ... however, whew ... just don't want to think about that ... =0)

oh well ... reflect.

Try it ... you will be amazed at the hugs, tears, smiles and extra kisses it will produce!

This picture was after they had removed all the wires, tubes and oxygen ... she was about 2 days from coming home ...

happy day ... tammy